There a many moments when I feel so happy and relaxed. Sometimes I then catch myself with this feeling and feel somehow ashamed for it. How can you be content, being content is for the common, the boring, the weak.
I feel like I have lost youth’s impatience, desire, discontent, sadness. All the noble, caesarian feelings gone. Just a content little citizen, happy about the kid running around on the playground and the groceries waiting for preparation. What happened to „world-rule“, „rainmaker“ and „strong feelings expressed in sad prose“? I don’t know. I mean, the feelings were not nice to feel, but they were so strong, so burning. With my 17-year-old sadness you could have made gods cry, with my 19-year-old desire for justice you could have erected palaces for the poor.
I don’t judge people’s actions as harshly as I did before – understanding has come, understanding for the weak, understanding for their going astray. You know, nowaydays I really would make a good priest,a good teacher, some kind of „I’ll help you along your way“-person, but not the „follow me my right way“ kind anymore. Little Dumbledore me.
… you know, sometimes I think I have become nice and totally boring. The yearning is not flame anymore, it is just glowing a little. Maybe it will grow again when time has arrived.
PS: But I can’t help asking my self how this happened. Too much food? Too much sex? Having kids? Too small expectations too easily fulfilled? Content little mind? Air-pollution? Lack of sleep?