Archive for März 2008
Jene, die geübt sind im Kampf, werden nicht zornig, jene, die geübt sind im Sieg, werden nicht ängstlich. (Sun-Tzu)
Baby and A. are outside to give me a chance to learn, and instead of learning I did nothing. Someone shoot me, please. Jeez. I spent 3 hours doing nothing. I made myself coffee, answered a few e-mails, did a few phone-calls, wrote a short-story, blogged and tidied the room, did laundry, had a shower, drawed a comicstrip, hell, I even slept (me sleeping in the daylight!) – but did I read a universitarian book? Nope. This is little me, wasting my time. Unfortunately it is not only my time. It is also C’s time. We could have done so nice things together, and instead I wasted 3 hours on my own, doing crap. I feel like a thief, they are trying so hard to help me with my universitarian „career“ and I count walls instead of working.
When I was in taekwondo last time an eight year old girl asked me bluntly: “You are not a woman, are you?”
“… you mean I look male?” I asked a little astounded, looking down on my body, yes, my belt was still tight around my waist giving the uniform a rather female shape, hell, I even wore lipgloss.
“ No! But, you are not a woman, are you? B. says you are. But you are a girl, I’m sure.”
“I’m a woman, certainly … how do you define girl“
“My mama says when a girl turns 14 something happens and then she is a woman.”
Tell us a little secret: When I was in Unterstufe (school for 10-14) the other kids didn’t like me, especially in the first year. They were all „teens“ (or pretending) and I was still a kid. They were fond of make-up, Bravo and „boys“ and were real beasts, aggressive, full of intrigues, just evil . I on the other hand was a nice shy kid who liked, well, reading. So guess who was not really liked by many. … Then I started to spread the rumour of me being jewish and all over sudden they felt as evil as they were for being such pests to me. You know, it really worked, even the teachers – all over sudden as before they did not give a damn – started to side with me. And the other kids? Not only did they leave me in peace, they even became nice and accepting in their twisted ways. Disguise at its very best. … Read „The human stain“ by Philip Roth to understand how Coleman Silk and I found our way 😉
What’s on your playlist: Leonard Cohen.
Reading: Banking law part I, II and III. (I am still waiting for the day when I’ll read a book just for the fun of it. Something nice, literature or trash, but not law or commerce.)
Coffee? Yes, please. Pretty please.
What are you going to do in the next 3 hours: I don’t know as the playground is still wet/frozen. Probably C. and I will just stay at home, play with the slide-box (a box with a string for me to pull the box with the kid inside) and try playing soccer (she’s pretty good).
Er war ein wenig gespannt auf den legendären Älteren, zugleich gelangweilt und sicher, dass dieser ihm nichts zu sagen haben würde, noch sicherer, dass er ihn nicht mögen würde, aber vor allem hatte er Angst, man hatte schon viel von Ruben gehört.
Als sie jedoch eine Weile gesprochen hatten fühlte er sich dem Älteren nahe, als habe er ihn sein Leben lang gekannt. Weise, stark und makellos erschein er ihm, erfahren und klug, als wäre der Altersunterschied ein Jahrhundert und nicht wenige Monate.
Das erste Mal im Leben fühlte er sich mit jedem Wort, das er sagte, verstanden.
“Es ist alles so sinnlos, so schal. Ich lebe nicht wirklich, weißt du. Wofür lohnt es sich, einzustehen, woran zu glauben, wofür zu kämpfen, ja, wofür lohnt es überhaupt aufzustehen.”
Der Ältere sagte nichts, hörte nur zu, die hellen Augen stumm auf ihn gerichtet.
„Wofür ist es alles gut, das frage ich mich, jedes Gespräch hohl, jedes Handeln zwecklos. Alles was ich tue ist unecht, als würde ich es nicht wirklich meinen. Ist das wirklich das Leben, so unecht, das frage ich mich, es muss sich doch anders anfühlen. Was ist echt?“ fragte er.
Ruben schwieg eine Weile bevor er antwortete: „Was echt ist? Blut, Schweiß und Tränen. Schmerz, Anstrengung und Unglück, das gehört zu unserem Leben, das ergibt sich aus unserem Menschsein. Dein Leben aber ist von Tränen bestimmt, Tränen des Selbstmitleids, das muss sich ändern.“
„Selbstmitleid, so ein Unsinn! Es ist einfach alles so unecht. So hohl.“
„Meinetwegen, ja, Selbstmitleid, vielleicht. Ich möchte, dass sich mein Tun ehrlich anfühlt, nicht so aufgesetzt, nicht so sinnlos, und ich weiß nicht wie. Ich möchte Großes tun, aber es scheint keine Gelegenheit zu geben.“
„… Soll ich dir helfen?“ fragte Ruben sanft.
Etwas an seiner Stimme ließ ihn unwillkürlich einen Schritt zurücktreten.
„…nur zu, auch wenn ich bezweifle, dass mir irgend jemand helfen kann“, sagte er dann.
(…) Yet after a few minutes of talking he felt as if he had known the elder one for his whole life. Wise, strong and perfect Ruben seemed to him, though the difference of age was only a few months. For the first time in his life he had the feeling of being properly listened to, like only people who understand can listen.
„Everything… you know, everything seems so worthless. So fake. I don’t feel alive. I feel like nothing is worth fighting for it. In fact, I feel like nothing is worth even thinking about it.“ he said.
The elder just looked at him, face very blank, very still.
„What is it good for anyway, I keep asking myself. All conversations are shallow, all my actions don’t take results. I feel like all my doings are fake. I wonder if this is real life, so nothinglike. What is real?“ he asked.
There was a moment of silence before Ruben answered him:“What is real? Blood, sweat and tears. Life has always been like that for humans. At the moment yours is a life of tears. As your tears are these of self-pity someone will have to help you overcome these.“
„Self-pity, hell, no! It just is shallow!“
„Well, yeah, maybe some sort of it, too. I’d greatly like to feel less fake and don’t know what to do, you know. There seems no chance for me to prove myself.“
„… allow me to help you“, Ruben said softly.
There was something in his voice that made him involuntarily take a step back.
„Sure, though I doubt anyone can be of any help to me“ he said then.
(…this is part of an epic tale I’m trying to write. It is translated from German so I hope the langugage does not suck too much)
As I am often around in Vienna with little C. and children bring out the most gharstly in some people I often leave public transport nearly sobbing. I just never know what we have done wrong. In fact, we did not do anything wrong.Yet I just don’t have this ability to quickly forget it when someone starts yelling at me for no whatsoever reason. And it happens so damn often. I sincerely hate public transport.
…. and stuff like that happens only when I am alone with C. It has something to do with being the very weakest part of society. Never ever did anyone even try to look at me angrily when I was together with my husband (who happens to be a little taller than most people). You know, size matters. Not only in a fight, it also matters in a conversation or a quarrel. People just have this idea of getting away with saying basically anything to a small woman with a kid. They would never dream of being half as aggressive against a man. They would not be as aggressive towards me alone, either. They just have this sub-conscious knowledge that I have a child to protect and don’t want to get in any kind of trouble. Whoever is stronger just has the better argument, it just is not about rhetorics or better repartee (which I both lack anyway).
These situations when you just wish for someone else to side up with you which just does not happen. Afterwards, when it is far too late, you have nice images of what you should have said but didn’t. Oh, and the afterwords! How cool you could counter when a few minutes have passed. Or how cool you could have side-kicked them when you wouldn’t have had to carry a kid.
…. just wanted to tell about A. in the subway. He was around with the kid, exchanging not very nice words with two burschenschafters who had tried to bully someone else. When he asked one of them to hand him his card („You want to rip it before handing it to me, boy?“) they fell very silent and quickly left the tube. Why? Because they did not even reach his shoulders in height.
You know, I just could not have had this kind of rhetorical triumph ever in my life when I am not accompanied by a huge man.The assumed physical weakness of women makes people take their words less seriously. At least for me it also works the other way round. I feel weaker and I have no desire to exchange verbal aggression with anyone. (Well, probably I would ignore gharstly people if I was a strong man, too. But then I would not feel weak for ignoring their words, I would give them my Bruce-Lee-superior-glance and that would end matters.)
What’s your favorite thing to spend money on?… food? Maybe coffe with friends. Books are also cool, but due to our complete lack of space I am not doing this anmore.If you could retire tomorrow what would you do?Usurp the world rule. Become a pirate like Jack Sparrow. Found a private-school where I teach all kinds of stuff I think important. Write a book. I don’t know. Loads of stuff. Should anything be censored and if so, what and why?… Nope. Not even if I become world-ruler. …. well, maybe children’s magazines should have an obligatory spell-check. The German version of Winnie the Pooh is full of gramm. errors whick really sucks. But this is not exactly censorship as spelling wrong is not a matter of free speech or opinion.
I greatly feel like doing another meme but couldn’t find any. So this one is from me
1)What have you been doing for the last hour Practising the next poomse for taekwondo, dancing with A., laundry, keeping my diary, tried to write a few literary things, pretending to armwrestle the cat.
2)What’s on your playlist? „Nothing else matters“… this song is very beautiful, but it is a real downer.Reminds me of putting something else in…. now it is „Walking on the sun“.
3)Why did you chose to study what you study …. I was always into law. I like the idea of rules and of having rights and being able to claim them. I like this notion of justice and of fighting for it according to certain rules. … oh, and of course because like all my other blog-readers I am a class-conscious sucker so not going to university was not really a choice.
4)What will you be doing for the next hour …Reading a little Banking law, then sleeping.
3)Some quote that comes to your mind? „Hast du Angst?“ „Wie definierst du Angst?“ (I just love this one)