Who’s in trouble?

We’re in trouble!

How much trouble?

Too much trouble!

(verratzt- verratzt- verratzt)

go usurp the world-rule without me.

Somehow I have this annoying feeling of getting nothing accomplished. Example: The empty boxes (destined for the wastepaper-box) in our living room haven’t left the living room since they were emptied 5 weeks ago. The do-it-yourself-closet for our clothes is still in the Ikea-wrapping it was delivered in 7 weeks ago. Don’t ask me about undone laundry, empty shelves in my study and the dust covering my university-books. Oh, jeez, the university. Two kids and pursuing an accademic carreer is very evil. At the moment I don’t dare write my tutor because I haven’t written anything and I feel like our general agreement to write the ph.d with him as a tutor must have expired because I haven’t even fixed a title or written a concept so far…I’m writing this with my youngest daughter on my knees. But I can not imagine writing something complicated which involves balancing a kid and a few heavy books. I hope this changes when maternity-leave (which, by the way, does not exist for students) is over.

I’m so ***ing tired. Go usurp the world-rule without me. I’d rather nurse the baby and (pleeease) have a quick nap.

Update:  Momentan sind wir bei Einrichtung unseres Schrankraumes bzw. beim Großputz des Hauses. C. ist im Kindergarten (seit neuestem täglich 4 Stunden; perfekt für sie zum Spielen und für mein Zeitmanagement).

Mein Plan eine to-do-list anzufertigen scheiterte an Papiermangel. Wahrscheinlich wäre die Liste jedoch ohnehin so abstoßend lang, dass wir fluchtartig das Haus verlassen und ins Gasthaus gehen müssten. Besser also planlos herumarbeiten. 

PS: Wir besitzen bereits zwei funktionstüchtige Öfen (einen uralten dunkelgrünen Kachelofen sowie einen neuen Kamin mit Sichtfenster). 

PPS: MOL is here and demands tasks. You know, she tells me to tell her what to do because I’m pregnant and she is bored. Being asked to give orders to MOL by MOL – this is way too cool.

 

PPS: Does anyone else think that Barack Obama has exactly the same way of holding speeches as Morpheus in Matrix? („Zion, hear me! I stand here before you truthfully unafraid…“)

what’s wrong with me?

I feel safe, I feel scared, I feel ready yet unprepared….
jeez. I feel so fuzzy in my head.
I feel especially strange towards university and my carreer.
I feel so hopeless about finishing one tiny book, at the next moment I think I really could go for the excellentia-prize with my grades, then I feel like I really-really could make a degree in sociology and philosophy while doing my phd in law, then I think that it is hopeless anyway to study anything with two kids and then I feel like finishing studies is useless as balancing a family and a job is pretty much totally hopeless. Oh, did I mention how great I feel about being qualified for being boss of the whole Austrian police (me and Brenda Leigh Johnson), and how superb my extra-qualification will be when I win the first case, and did I ever talk to you about changing the world, it is so very much possible but anyway it is useless to try as it is so impossible.
?
?
And these feeling change, tangle, melt. I feel them all at the very same time (well, one minute this feeling, next minute that).

the tough future question

When it’s getting late after getting little C. to bed (which takes about 1 1/2 hours at the moment… everything is cooler than sleeping in her opinion) I can’t work on my thesis anymore as I am too tired. So I usually do some kind of bullshit like blogging or listening to music or maybe a little laundry.

This time I wanted to do something a little more useful, namely drawing a concept of the future – like „what to do/ be/wish“ etc. But the thought is unnerving.

I really would like to have a lot of children, like 5 or 6. Giving birth would be ok for me, though being pregnant sucks a bit, like not doing sports and being unable to move. But it is a prize I’d be willing to pay. … the problem is just: How can we possibly ever have enough space, time and money for that?

I have nice images of a house close to the woods, with a garden where the children can play without me having to watch every step as it is necessary in the city and where everyone of us can have a room of one’s own – but, hey, afford that, who, us?

And being a working-mother with 6 children, well, I can imagine that, but only as a comic-strip, not in real life (…like getting up at five, putting on nice make-up, preparing breakfast, waking, tooth-brushing, dressing and feeding 6 kids, gettin them to school and beaming yourself to court… and the day going on like that forever, and even a small cold being a big issue…). Sometimes I think I would like to work. Other times I think I’d rather be a stay-at-home-parent. But as we could not ever afford that it is a useless thought anyhow. It leads to the paradox situation: When we have only one child, we don’t really-really need the money therefore I could stay at home. But as soon as we have more children, we really-really need the money therefore I would have to go to work.

With a lot of kids there is somehow more house-work, I guess. Laundry for 7 people, nooo, I’m far too cool for that, Spiderman never does laundry, why should I? And cooking for 7 family-members plus guests, very nice to do it 3 times a week, but daily … so I get this idea of paying someone to do our house-work, which leads again to the monetarian-issue and is somehow a circulus vitiosus.

… I would also like to do other things like being a professional taekwondo-instructor ( I could take the older kids with me to teach sports), writing a book and doing academice writing and the such.

I’ve been talking to my husband about that, and he somehow has the magic idea that after finishing my thesis things will work out as we want. Of course he is right with the pragmatic approach of finishing one task before facing others. Thing is only: I manage my universitarian carreer (which constitutes a little income), one child and the house-work in a small flat and it is hard. So how can it possibly get any easier with more kids, a bigger house and a job instead of a thesis (I get money from the state for my thesis, so it can be compared to a job, for all my readers who don’t know the Austrian system)?

… tough questions. I think as it always is in life, there will not ever be a bright shining answer.

Plan DX 17

Dinge, die ich in den nächsten 3 Jahren machen möchte und die eine ganz fiese Tendenz haben, einander auszuschließen

 schwarzer Gürtel in Taekwondo

2. Kind

Magisterarbeit

Doktorarbeit

mein Youth-movement gründen

Weltherrschaft  

Und das sind nicht die einzigen Pläne (das Richteramt anstreben, ein Buch veröffentlichen, das Konzept der Hochsteckfrisur perfektionieren etc.)… irgendwelche Koordinationsideen, die keinen time-turner involvieren wären sehr willkommen. 

Fighting

Fighting is way too cool to have men only doing it. So I’ll post something about fighting maybe I can catch the spirit for you.

Yet the first thing I have to say is that we have very decent people in our club and the stronger ones always make sure not to hurt the weaker ones. So it is not really fighting like „full strength everyone tries to knock his opponent down never mind how high the costs my go“, it is just sports.   (When someone gets a little bruise it is rather like „O my, I never thought you would not block that“ „…well, me neither. Well, friends.“)I prefer fighting people who are stronger and higher-graded (belts) than me as I don’t have to think for his health too if my partner is a better fighter anyway. Then they have to be careful, not me. 

In your usual sitting academic-conversation and politeness based life you sometimes get the feeling of not really doing something „alive“. Your mind runs at half-speed (don’t try to tell me that putting footnotes in a paper takes your whole brain, it just does not) and your body, well, half-speed is rather euphemistic. And in a fight, suddenly, you use both your body and your brains (which is the muscle which matters most, as usual). There is no such concentration as the concentration in a fight. You can find out how much you trust your own body and you get a very clear mind.

The things that Edward Norton („Fight club“) says  in the Off about fighting all have a certain truth in them. There is no such strong exhaustion as after a fight. After ten minutes, just look around. They have these blushed faces and can hardly breathe and many just can’t stand straight any more but everyone is grinning. This is this happiness that comes from collective exhaustion.    … yes, you know a similiar idea in some other context. The eyes just look the same, this „we’re animal after all“-sparkling in the iris. 

Also, it is just fun.  I also think  that it is aesthetic to watch. Sometimes when I am too tired I just step back and watch the others who are still fighting. It looks very cool.

I will not mention the positve effects on your health as this goes with all kinds of sports but I can run after the bus with baby on my arm and catch the bus without panting.  

PS:… I could write a similiar ode to skiing, too. But I think no one would be interested in the description of cold blues skies and the smell of the wind on your cheeks when going downhill, so I’ll leave that out.

Yoda-light

Today I first trained some of the kids in taekwondo. Me being the trainer, not one of the young padawans. Holy shit, I think I’m going to rethink my plan of becoming a youth-movement-leader.  They just don’t have any idea of the concept of waiting. When I finally managed to get them to watch my movement before doing their own I was already sweating as if I had fought an army all by myself.  In the end they had learned somehing, I guess. But of course I had learned even more. Teaching (or repeating) fight-techiniques is something quite differnet from teaching grammar or drawing or other stuff I had taught before. You even need another kind of voice and a certain notion of not being kind and understanding otherwise you don’t get anything accomplished. 

Zaudert nicht, die Inkonsequenz zu zermalmen!

ES REICHT! Ich schreib das jetzt in 3 Wochen fertig und gebe es ab, egal wie es ausschaut.

I really should usurp the world rule or become a pirate.
No, honestly. I’m totally sure I’m meant to do great things. Bearing and raising a child is great, sure. But doing laundry and cooking and dishes and all these sucking things is not my kind of cheese. How do all the cool guys manage to have time for their cool deeds?