Spirit of youth

There a many moments when I feel so happy and relaxed. Sometimes I then catch myself with this feeling and feel somehow ashamed for it. How can you be content, being content is for the common, the boring, the weak.

I feel like I have lost youth’s impatience, desire, discontent, sadness. All the noble, caesarian feelings gone. Just a content little citizen, happy about the kid running around on the playground and the groceries waiting for preparation. What happened to „world-rule“, „rainmaker“ and „strong feelings expressed in sad prose“? I don’t know. I mean, the feelings were not nice to feel, but they were so strong, so burning. With my 17-year-old sadness you could have made gods cry, with my 19-year-old desire for justice you could have erected palaces for the poor.
I don’t judge people’s actions as harshly as I did before – understanding has come, understanding for the weak, understanding for their going astray. You know, nowaydays I really would make a good priest,a good teacher, some kind of „I’ll help you along your way“-person, but not the „follow me my right way“ kind anymore. Little Dumbledore me.

… you know, sometimes I think I have become nice and totally boring. The yearning is not flame anymore, it is just glowing a little. Maybe it will grow again when time has arrived.

PS: But I can’t help asking my self how this happened. Too much food? Too much sex? Having kids? Too small expectations too easily fulfilled? Content little mind? Air-pollution? Lack of sleep?

Sooner or late–in earnest or in jest –
(But the stakes are no jest) Ithuriel’s Hour
Will spring on us, for the first time, the test
Of our sole unbacked competence and power
Up to the limit of our years and dower
Of judgment–or beyond. But here we have
Prepared long since our garland or our grave.

For, at that hour, the sum of all our past,
Act, habit, thought, and passion, shall be cast
In one addition, be it more or less,
And as that reading runs so shall we do;
Meeting, astounded, victory at the last,
Or, first and last, our own unworthiness.
And none can change us though they die to save!

(Kipling. The hour of the angel)

relaunch

I’ll be back. 

 

Updates will take place approximately every two weeks.

News so far: 

Handed in thesis via e-mail. Insulted two law students who were chatting in the library by telling them that, just maybe, their relaxed attitude is what keeps them studying at 35. Going to buy a new, bigger table for kitchen as this is needed. Restarted weblog. Got a kindergarten-place (6h/day) for C in September. Was told to keep on writing German literature by several people whose opinion I value. Got sunburnt. Saw Kasperltheater (just evil, how they make the kids run wild). See you in a few days.

Blutvergießen ist eine Sache, es wieder aufzuwischen eine ganz andere.